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桜 & 恋

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

from eathquake link to insercurity to religion then link to my confession, how the hell i did it?

Super long entry- don read if you are tired, or not interested.
Gosh. Yet another earthquake had strike somewhere on earth @1355 SG time. Was having lunch with my grandma, when I felt my house shaking (this was like the 2nd time of the day, and 4 times in my life), I confirmed my sensation by looking at my kitchen lamp swing back and forth. I stared back at Russell, who with his usual eye, eyeing on my food, as if nothing had gone wrong, I was like dear Russell can I trust you in time on disaster? The whole process lasted few seconds, but that sure scared the wit of my grandma, who wanted to ran down, safety first I guess, but didn’t cox the quake lasted awhile. My grandma is already feeling the dizziness since yesterday; perhaps older people had acute senses to this kind of things. Later realized from uncle that, earthquake had struck somewhere in Indonesia, and people are being evacuated over at Bugis, etc.

---some thoughts by kai---- don read if you are tired, cox is lengthy, or you may not absorbed---
Mother earth is so fragile at times, and it have had supported so much life on it since millions years back, who can guaranteed this is for eternity? Yes, you are darn right; here we are in Singapore, surrounded by many big ‘daddies’, who had shielded us from all those natural disasters, and with strong political roots here, free from ‘human disasters’. I noticed on the atlas that, over the north we are protected from Malaysia, but we are kind of expose over at the south, and land are merely 20M above sea level, so if quake strike, tidal wave may just gush the south, and darn me at south! Some interpretation from the wanabe geographer, =,= let assume if tidal wave were to come, the only mountain, or rather hill we had is Bukit Timah hill at the center, or the smaller version, Mt Faber at the south, can they support the population? I think when it happen, we can see the true nature of human, tumbling over each other to get to the peak, or the strong helping the weak and old?, or strong 1 claiming ‘leave the old and weak behind, for only the strong can survive and carry on the next era? One asked, cant we just jolly well stay at our house, for is ‘strongly built’, why must we get all the way to $%@#% hills? That my assumption made, hills foundation better then flat, for hill had a larger base area as compared to HDB flat with such a small base and a tall ‘body’ made them really fragile, I guess. There I go again, the wanabe architect.

** pals over at Bedok South felt the quake too, he replied via msn, saying his chair is shaking and he thought he is fainting out of hunger, the fact was the quake!**

What I trying to say is that in time of distress, the true human nature will be shown, both –ve and +ve , be it be a relationship, or stuffs like that.

BTW, religious leader will believe that all these disasters are sign from the supernatural-God, for these disaster doesn’t occurred frequently, so when it happened, it must be a sign or something, just like our pre-historic ape pals, when they heard thunder they thought ‘God is scolding us’, and stuff like that, they begin to held in awe to the nature since then. But now, human known that thunder is just a mere sound produced with some interaction of opposite charges, just sneered at it. Once we obtained knowledge, we begin to feel as if we are king, neglecting the nature around us, no longer the awe we once had for the nature! In fact we are now opposing the nature, feeding them with pollutants and junks like that. Imagine tree which had help us to replenish oxygen and we are re-paying by ‘nourish’ them with soots etc, when I walked past some trees with black marking on the barks or leaves, kinda sad acutaully. All this ideas are from the anime Nausicca, by the great Miyasaki talking about the struggle between human and the nature. Perhaps the reasons why God forbid Adam and Eve to retrieve the Tree of knowledge is to prevent us from obtaining knowledge, in the process felt as if we are invincible and can do anything we wana, disregarding our nature.

All in all my ideal world is 1 that is pre-historic lifestyle and, each family grow their own poultry, veggies, trade with each others, no currency, no vehicles, just simple human with simple lifestyle!

Anyway is it really a sign or something, for few days back, scarlet moon appeared over the night sky, and I witness it the next day with uncle. You don’t get to see scarlet moon every day right? Signs signs? Are they really signs? Or are they just merely the insecurity of human nature that they choose to believe in anything that is consider ‘safer’, no one dare to oppose the supernatural, unless you are a determinant human. Religious is there to ease the insecurity of human being as once Mel told me, or is there to cover the hole inside the human heart, perhaps we need some ‘spiritual food’ to ‘conceal’ this hole? It is this fact that some people come out with some religious cult and target those insecure people to join, making used of them, as seen in newspaper, recently 1 Indonesia religious leader was caught for SERIES of rapes etc, these people feast on the insecurity of human hearts.

---My confession----
I’m not against any religious, as I was in a way ‘safe’ from it. I was a very insecure boy ever since my paternal grandpa passed away when I was P6, he was and is (if he still alive) very close to me. He favored me the most, making hard-boiled egg early in the morning when I stayed over at his house; bring me to Mac (Im the only 1 with this privilege so often,=]). I ‘re-pay’ by volunteering massaging his back, and ;wash; his belly button with a cotton bud with baby lotion, I recalled, yes to all this maybe a ‘yucky action’ but all these was actually did out of love. Sad to say, he was attack by some cancer, reducing him to bone, he still try to force a smile whenever I visited him, w/o me realizing that he was actually in pain (I was a boy, then). His optimistic life and smile will continued lingered in my heart.

Yet another series of things that really crushed my life that year, my mun passed away from breast cancer. Told you, that really crushed my life. She was diagnosed when I was P4, only told us during P6, when she know her times is near, I recalled how much she must had endured through those years combating diseases w/o us supporting her, and when I came to know, I was like still playing with my game over the com, how in-sensitive I was then, it was only when she was lying on the hospital bed that I began to feel bad. The moment she was placed into the furnace, I was …..
So guys, treasure all the times you had with your close one, least it left a regret in your heart, just don take those times you have with your dear ones for granted, its not a everyday things you can do always, and to be able do it now, is a blessing.If u does felt regret. pour out your love to those around you now.

So my life then was crashed, I became very insecure, talking to myself, those sitting beside me in secondary school day may notice me mumbling to myself at that time. I was actually thinking I could communicate with my grandpa (don’t wana talk about the details, like how I talk to him) for some reasons, this continued for 2 yrs, later part of my life I began to feel as if my hand got dirty easily, thus I would keep washing my hand frequently, told you the truth I never realized this fact, until my family stated noticed my weird behaviors and talk to me. When this failed my dad even bring me to those spiritual medium and request help from them( of course this does not help). Eventually my dad consulted my form teacher and asked if she known of my weird behavior. She replied ‘no, kai jie is a very good boy, etc.etc’. My dad then follow a more appropriate approach, send me to a counselor, I would said he an amateur counselor as I was expecting every questions coming out from his mouth, so it did not help much either.

It was then when those Christian doing some missionary approached me and asked me to visit their church, first 2 times I rejected the offer, was only third time I gave in. Over there, I was expose to the love and heart-warming of people, over time I begin to gain security over there, and all my weird behaviors just dissipated like that. Hence the roots of my psychological disorder (took up psychology, and known this term), comes from insecurity. As times went by, I realized I was over-relying on this God, or perhaps I followed the wrong way, having the wrong ideas (again don wana talked about the details). So now, I’m a free-thinker, having my set of belief, though in time of adversity, I will still pray to him. . . I’m stronger now!

All in a way, when you felt insecure, asked for a listening ear, and be a listening ear to those who need it, insecure come from within you, and only you can re-solve it ultimately, give yourself some trust and your circle of pals will definitely help!

Man, actually can write on, but too lengthly la, and hand pain! End here

Actually wonder how I linked from quake to insercurity religion then to my confession!

***pls pause the playlist at bottom of page*****
for those feeling down
2 motivational songs by ZONE, pay close attention to the sub -lyric, really gd lyric

Zone- For Tomorrow [Final Live- Subbed]


Zone- GO [Final Live Subbed]- pay close attention to the sub -lyric too(pls this not just another act cute song)strong lyric in here, inspirational(to me) the very least, btw Mizuho doing the solo. . .



tata~
Take care
Kai
Ciao~ ='

7 Comments:

  • dear kaijie.

    u hv take courage to reveal the story of ur mom on blog
    :) i m speechless to say more to reciprocate

    i gave a tot 1 day - if i were to create a new religion - wat would it be like - how wud i depict beta than Him..

    By Anonymous uncle, At 7:13 PM  

  • Mmmmm... Perhaps the most meaningful post you've posted thus far... Do forgive me if i'm a bit lengthy myself.

    The earthquake... I really didn't know that it was an earthquake at that time... thought it was another of my medicine-cocktail-induced dizzy spells of mine... There was 2 aftershocks, if I'm not wrong... first one ended, then after a while, the 2nd one began... That one I saw my com table begin to sway and I knew that was it lol.

    Mother Earth is fragile, and the actions of men are killing her, to put it quite simply. I see the Earth as a living whole... not just a piece of lifeless rock upon which living organisms thrive. It's only right that she should have a self-defense mechanism, as we do. Look at all the new strains of disease and viruses, how rapidly our antibiotics are losing their effect, how greatly they're evolving... The natural disasters, floods, climate changes... All these are no accident. Every action has an equal an opposite reaction... Perhaps it's time people stopped to think and reconsider... And repent.

    My ideal Earth... is one where humans and the Earth can live in perfect harmony... But... with the greed of men, that... may not be possible.

    Man are, by virtue of fact, extremely insecure. Where do we go to when we die? Where have we come from, where are we headed? What's to come? What's to be? Is someone watching? Is someone listening? Questions, questions... That which has driven men to the point of civilisation in which they involve now, and plunged them into the depths of never-ending uncertainty. We simply MUST know... We need to be assured... And that's why many devote their hearts, mind and soul to religion... So that they may seek solace in that which cannot be truly explained, ironically. Perhaps you are right... No, I think you are right that most people need something to fill the hole in them. Nobody likes to feel empty.

    Your mother's death... I still remember the circumstances in which I came to know about it. Had I known better during sec 4, when you asked me that one simple question... Anyways, I still remember... That we were having quite a heated argument... When you suddenly told me. I see you lied to me then... and perhaps all the way up till now. You always told me you were 'ok', but i never really trusted your words, to be truthful. Kingshaw always told himself that 'everything will be ok', after all. But you never really did... or perhaps, wanted, i guess, to talk to me about it... But I respected that... It was your choice after all, wrenching it out from you with an iron hook won't make you feel any better, and i trusted that you'll talk about it when you wanted to. Guess I was right.

    Your changes... Your father really cared for you... I never really noticed them, actually... Talking to oneself is rather normal to me, since I do quite often do so myself... What the hell is wrong with thinking aloud, anyways?! It's not like everyone who talks to themselves has a split personality... -_-;;;

    Religion came to you during a very insecure time... and you practically clung to religion. I'm... rather moderate... And you were practically a zealot back then. Quite often did i try to change your views about how Christianity should be... But you just so stubbornly clung to your rather extreme views... lol

    Though... maybe I am just a bit sad that I never truly was a listening ear to you... After listening to so many of my woes, and putting up with all my unpleasant nuances... I always feel that I haven't done enough on my side of the friendship... I know you trust me, and I know you know I trust you more than any other... But, as always, your choice is yours alone. All i can do is watch, pray and hope for your happiness, and always be there for ya... Ever ready =p

    To end off... A most impressive... and courageous(?) revelation... To put this up for all to see, and perhaps to finally come to terms with it at last, that you are at last comfortable speaking about it. I applaud you, and you have affirmed that I truly am but a shadow to your light...

    By Anonymous Melvin, At 8:08 PM  

  • - uncle
    its better to help others emotionally, physically then come up with a religion, to help them.

    but of course i withness before how those hadicapped recovered, from their faith, as all this ultimately is the human mind- to believe in something and that something is wholeself(u and the people around you).

    bababa~ nt against those religion that helps, but in a way quite critic about the issue, and of course against those cult. =/

    By Blogger kai, At 10:11 PM  

  • -Mel
    Woo, reciprocate with long comment eh? anyway. . .

    1) Yup, I agree earth as a living thing too, not just a plain soil for us to trample on, what worst polluting it, what say is easier then done, we can’t just stop pollution like that. With technological advances which mostly benefit us human and not the environment! What I trying to say it is totally impossible to stop pollution, the ambitious of human to thrive, upgrade- the main obstacle. The least we could do is to minimize it. Here I am promoting environmental friendly, while I keep throwing tissue paper out of house window. =,=, contradict eh? That is why making a statement is easier then an action. So all this while perhaps I was bullshyting regarding this issue =/

    2) About the insecurity of ‘why, where, how’, you had asked me before. My answer, just live life as it is and don dwell on question that is beyond one can fathom, just simply lead finish this very life you are blessed with. How rotten one is, may jolly well be an angel to someone, we are here to be people’s people, our talent’s for the benefit of others, just as others benefit us =]

    3) Why both mentioned about mum, not grandpa? Eh, it somehow linked to this topic, started from the quake, it just comes naturally.

    4) ‘Kingshaw’, O_O that name look familiar, from one of the literature text?

    5) Talk to oneself is perfectly alright, BUT thinking able to talk to someone who had gone from this realm is not right!

    6) Like I told uncle, religion is perfectly alright if its help one in 1 or other way, and of course don’t follow them mindlessly, have your own discern judgment, you own your life to yourself.

    7) Yes, I affirmed you that you had being a listening hear to me at times (especially to those profound mathematical equation then I keep interrogate you with!)

    8) You are a shadow that eventually will become the light for other peoples out there!

    ps: this can jolly well be a post!

    By Blogger kai, At 10:45 PM  

  • Lastly I want to take this time, to thank all u guys for sharing all your thoughts here, this is what keep me from continue posting! (sound like award-winning speech eh?)=,=

    By Blogger kai, At 10:48 PM  

  • such tense atmostphere.. let me lighten it by sharing amy expererience with you all

    when the earthquake took place in the afternoon, i was in the toilet styling my hair, after finishing, i thought to myself "hmm, not bad, quite nice actually"... after that, people start smsing and calling me to talk about the earthquake.. and i was there "huh? got meh?"

    this can only come to a conclusion, the next time there is an earthquake, immediately go toilet to style your hair, and you won't feel a thing =D LOLz

    By Anonymous Calvin, At 12:08 AM  

  • -cal
    finally a light-hearted thoughts!
    =]

    anyway, maybe you are so into your own world when styling your hair that you did not noticed what happening arnd you! =/

    no 1 mentioned about the video clip, really tt bad meh?

    By Blogger kai, At 10:44 AM  

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